Trouble letting go
I guess I need to get my ass kicked, & I have no right to complain. I didn't get to vote today because my meds (Klonopin) & others, had me very drowsy. I was sleep all day. I can't help the side-effects of my medications. Even though I'm 25 with a college degree, people still treat me like a child & won't allow me to make my own decisions. They think I don't have the mentality to drive a car, but I do. People think I'm not mature enough to vote because they think I'm retarded, & I'm not. People treat me like I'm too stupid to know left from right. I haven't been on here as much lately. I've been very depressed, & it does no good when I reach out for help, & others think I'm trying to get attention, tell sad, sobbing stories, & drown in my own self-pity. People think I'm a drama queen who expects everyone to feel sorry for me. No, I'm not asking for pity. I've been too depressed to eat, clean up, take care of myself, anything. I'm so depressed & frustrated that I can't even think rationally enough to journal, vent, & confess, like I've been doing. It still hurts that my family will never shut their mouths up about me. My own TWIN caused my biological family to hate me before they can even meet me. She snuck & met them before we turned 18. We were in foster care throughout our entire childhood, & the birth mom lost her rights to seeing us. It's a sad thing to say that the foster family is no more caring than the bio family. They're no less abusive than the bio family. They're all abusive & hateful for no reason. I think it was last night or the night before, I was watching that movie POWDER, right? OK, so people tell me all the time, "I don't think people mistreat you for no reason. There's something that you do to MAKE people treat you poorly." That's not the case. People bully me for NO reason, just like they did Powder. 25 yrs. old being harassed by people in their 40's & 50's even. People of all ages. & no, I'm not paranoid & I don't think people are out to get me. But they choose ME to pick on, bully, single out, ignore, etc. just because I'm different. I feel like crying right now. People always lecture me about not conforming to society AKA not being thuggish. I just be myself, in my own little world. I'm a loner. I don't bother anyone, yet people say I'm aggravating. My Sr. yr. in high school, I was voted as the most annoying kid in the school. How is that, when the kids would bully me so much that I couldn't even get my schoolwork done because they were distracting? People would always ask me why I'm off to myself. I try to avoid people because I can never hold a conversation with someone without them hurting my feelings. I can't say anything positive or negative without my feelings getting hurt. I can't DO anything positive without being called stupid. If I volunteer or donate $$ to charity, nursing homes, etc. people call me stupid. If I accomplish something good or do something that makes me happy, people either say WHO CARES!?, or they yell @ me. I feel ashamed to listen to music or watch TV. Feels like I'm committing a sin. The negative events, thoughts, & people of my past, are part of my OCD unwanted, intrusive thoughts. I spent most of my teenage yrs. punished, in my room. Aaliyah is my favorite singer. It was a shock that she died on me & my twin sister's 18th b-day. People tell me I shouldn't listen to her music, & they tell me I should throw away her CD's, pictures, posters, video DVD's, etc. & foster AND biological family falsely accuse me of having a sexual obsession with her, when I don't. I'm a heterosexual female. My twin sister always does wrong & blames it on me. She's been denying being a lesbian for so many yrs. She married a retarded man who resembled a female, & had 3 kids for him, just to get people off her back about bashing her for being gay. She admitted NUMEROUS TIMES that she married him & had kids for him, hoping that they would come out with green eyes like him. It was the talk of the family about her marrying him for his green eyes. Now, since she's separated (I don't think they're divorced yet), she feels free to show off her sexual freedom. So, she's been lying for SO many yrs., telling people that "I'm" the 1 who's the lesbian! My twin sister projects her homosexuality onto me. My twin sister also lied on me, saying I tried to murder my niece when she was born, & a yr. later, she lied on me, saying I molested her daughter. Not true at all. So all these lies she tells, people treat me like I have leprosy. & check this out. Now, the new thing is, every time she gets mad @ someone, she falsely accuses them of raping her or molesting her kids. I mean, she just goes around slandering EVERYBODY! So, back to the Aaliyah subject, 1 of the foster cousins told me 2 yrs. ago (I was like 22 or 23 @ the time), that I shouldn't ever listen to Aaliyah's music. & then, a few days later, I watched the Cosby show. He said, "What I told you about lookin' @ stuff like that!?" I was like, "what?" He said, "Man, that's OLD!" Now, he hadn't told me I shouldn't watch old movies or TV shows. & then, every time I put on a DVD, the foster family would make snotty comments, like, "How many times you then seen this? Isn't that old!? Turn that off!" It got to the point, where the 15-yr. old girl was telling me I shouldn't listen to (even NEW music)! & the next day, I heard the foster cousin listening to 90's R&B music (Dru Hill), & he wore a Notorious BIG (Biggie) t-shirt. A few weeks ago, he had my twin sister on his myspace, but he denied my request TWICE! I even asked him why, & he ignored my message. & on his page, I saw where he said he like retro songs & 90's music. I have no right to live. I had to stay back with the foster family after Hurricane Katrina because my apartment got damaged, & if I asked to stay with anyone else, they would've said, "Why don't you go stay wit'cha mama!?" So, I had to live back with that foster family again, just to finish up 1 semester left of my degree. The day I found out that I was officially graduating, the foster sister (the foster mom's daughter) falsely accused me of taking nude pics of her step-daughter who was 15 @ the time. The pics were NOT nude. They were just pics showing her belly. But I didn't know the girl had intentions to showing them to men over 18 yrs. old. The girl was nagging me ALL week that week about taking some "special" pics of her. No private parts were shown. I see 15-yr. old's wearing mid drifts or 1/2 shirts all the time. So, I didn't know it was considered "wrong". & then, the foster mom started to say that was "soft porn" & I can get arrested, & all kinds of stuff. Then, she went on to falsely accusing me of molesting the foster boys, & saying that the boys used to tell their therapists that I was molesting them. NOT true! 1 of the boys was 14, & he always wanted to hug me, & he considered me a friend because I was the only 1 in the house who respected him. They treated him like trash, & they used to snoop through my things & blame it on him, & they used to choke him, & everything. I could've graduated Spring 2006, but I was 1 decimal point away from the last 60 hrs. of my major, so I had to go through SUMMER & take a 1-credit course. I was so freaking depressed, there were times, where after these false allegations, I was bedridden & depressed weeks @ a time. If none of this shit would've happened, I could've graduated Spring '06. The foster sister's husband is 6'7" tall, & he would always threaten to hurt people. How the hell you beat up a defenseless, special ed kid & then brag & boast about it, & your ass is 40 yrs. old? Both him & the foster sister said they don't give a shit about me. Told me TO my FACE! & 1 day I was talking to the foster sister about how abusive the biological family is, with taking my money, & he butted in & said, "See, you put yourself in the position to DESERVE to be abused! You don't learn your lesson, do you little girl? You just keep putting your hand back in the fire." I told him to butt out, since I wasn't talking to him. & every time I stand up to the foster family, they use violence to get me to comply with what THEY want me to do. There was a 17-yr. old foster boy who hated me based on lies my twin sister told him. Me & the foster mom were arguing, & he called himself, trying to chastise me. How the hell does a 17-yr. old have EVERY right to use violence on a 22-yr. old woman? The foster family is buddy-buddy with the cops, right. & so, I KNOW I'm not schizophrenic. The foster mom lies to the cops all the time, saying I'm schizo & being delusional, just to protect her family members. 1 time, her biological son put his knee in my throat & busted my lip, & each time the cops came out, every time a foster family member abused me, they used that lie about me being "schizo", & then when the cops leave, they laugh in my face & start teasing & provoking me again. When the foster boy punched me, he knocked me to the ground, & I cried & IMMEDIATELY dialed 911. The cops threatened to have ME arrested & summoned to court for "frivolous" calls. The foster family would beat me up & lie & say I did it to myself. After the cops left that night, I asked the foster mom why she lied, & she said, "Because. If that boy would've been taken to jail, that would stop me from gettin' money in the house & I wouldn't be able to get the bills paid." My mouth DROPPED! So, I moved to New York the next day, thinking my life was going to get better, thinking I can launch my career, but things keep getting worse. They thought I was being bizarre for moving out the next day. I have more to say, but I'd be typing forever.